


Marathon: A Mercury Falling AU

by Duke_Nitro



Category: DCU (Comics), Impulse (Comics), The Flash (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Rating May Change, Some Swearing, might still think of a better title later, no ships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:51:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11100177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duke_Nitro/pseuds/Duke_Nitro
Summary: An AU where Inertia doesn't run into the Speed Force and learns how to live a (mostly) normal life. Well, as normal as you can get for a superhero.





	1. Starting Line

“Haven’t you ever _felt_ that way about someone?”

“Hasn’t anyone felt that way about _you_?”

Bart doesn’t know what Inertia’s reaction would be to those words, but he would’ve never expected what happened next. Inertia’s eyes go wide and he slowly steps back, turning around after a moment. Bart thinks he hears Inertia say something but the Speed Force is too loud to tell. What Bart _does_ see though, is Inertia starting to shake.

A moment later Inertia starts screaming “ _You lied to me! LIED TO ME!”_

Then he starts to run at the wall of the Speed Force and Bart acts on pure impulse.

“I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU A-” He doesn’t get to finish that statement, as one of Bart’s Speed Clones punches him upside the head, knocking him out instantly. Bart watches as the Speed Clone grabs Inertia before he gets swept away by the storm. However, the Speed Clone stops and stares at the spot Inertia was going to run into, looking intently at _something_. Bart and Max try to look for whatever the Clone is looking at and see nothing.

Eventually, the Clone shrugs and runs through the portal, Inertia in tow.

Bart decides he can deal with Inertia later, saving Max is top priority. So he picks Max up and runs into the core of the Speed Force.

* * *

Bart and Max walk out of the Speed Force with no trouble. They see Carol, Helen, Morlo, and Inertia, who is sitting on the steps leading up to the portal and staring at the floor. The Speed Clone is watching him like a hawk.

After a few minutes of “Are you hurt?”s and “Thank God you’re OK”s from everyone, Max walks over to Inertia and asks what he plans to do next.

Inertia doesn’t look up and says “I… I don’t know.”

“Well, you can stay here until you figure it out. Right, Morlo?”

Inertia whips his head up, shocked that Max is being even vaguely nice to him after the attempt on his life.

Morlo sighs dramatically and goes upstairs to get the inflatable mattress.

* * *

Once Bart, Max, and the others leave, the only ones left are Inertia and Morlo awkwardly sitting around waiting for the mattress to inflate.

About halfway through the inflation Morlo gets tired of watching him mope and gives Inertia some advice: “If Max asks you to stay with him, you should. He’ll forgive just about anything. Hell, look at me! I've tried to kill him a dozen times and he still considers me a friend!”

Inertia gives a quick nod and continues staring at the floor.

Craydl watches this unfold, deciding not to open a portal unless he’s asked to.

* * *

Back at Helen’s place, they're starting to plan a party to celebrate Max’s recovery.

Helen has a hushed conversation about whether or not it was good idea to leave Inertia alone. Max’s main defense is “He’s still just a child”.

Bart and the Speed Clone are asking Carol rapid-fire questions about what happened while he wasn’t there. Eventually, she has to tell Bart to re-absorb the Clone because she can barely keep up with _one_ of him, let alone two.

So he does.

And he remembers what the Clone saw.

In the wall of the Speed Force he could see the faint outline of a figure. He thought his eyes were tricking him until the figure tilted it’s head and faded out after a moment. Figuring that it’s nothing, the Clone grabs Inertia and runs out of the Speed Force.

Bart considers telling Max about it, but he can do that later. He’s got way more questions to ask.

He forgets about it within the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happens a year and a half into Bart staying with Max.  
> Bart is (physically) 15 and a half. Same with Thad.  
> Also, this fic takes place in the mid to late 90's, or whenever Impulse was being published.


	2. One Week Later

Thad wakes up the same way he has the last few days: super uncomfortable and generally confused. He's still staying at Morlo's while trying to figure out what to do next, but he still isn't any closer to a conclusion.

Max and Helen have even come over a couple times to talk about it. Helen is still uncomfortable with the idea of him staying with them, but is still willing to give him a chance. Max wants him to as well because he wants him to be able to live a normal life. (Bart doesn't want to even  _look_ at him so he doesn't come) This doesn't help Thad much though, as much as he wants to go with them, he also _really_ wants to get even with President Thawne.

Today though, while Morlo is at Max's recovery party, Thad decides on a plan. He opens a portal to Craydl, gets in, and immediately tells him to go to the 30th century so that he can get his revenge on Thawne.

Craydl, for once, says no. Thad starts to complain (Very loudly, might I add) but Craydl cuts him off in the most disappointed tone he can muster, saying stuff like "Do you really think think doing that would solve anything" and "You should at least _try_ living with them".

By the end for what he's saying Thad is looking at the floor and shuffling his feet. Craydl sighs and says "Look man, I just want what's best for you. And letting you do a suicide run at your crappy grandfather doesn't really fit under "best". Thad nods and starts walking back to the portal. Right before he leaves Craydl calls after him, saying "I'll be here if you need me!"

Thad smiles and steps through.

* * *

 

The next day, around noon, Thad is standing on the porch to Helen's house trying to think of the least awkward way to go about asking to stay with them. He paces for about 5-6 minutes before coming up with the perfect line. He walks confidently to the door and raises his hand to knock on the door. Then the door opens, hitting him in the face fast enough to put a dent in the door.

Thad stumbles back and falls into a bush. Before passing out, he sees Bart start to call for Max.

He wakes up on the couch, Max sitting opposite him. He touches his face and, while it's a bit sore, he's least glad that his nose isn't broken. Max notices that he's woken up and starts making small talk until Thad is fully awake.

Once he is, Max asks "Why did you come over here?"

Thad suddenly realizes that he has completely forgotten what he was going to say. (That door hit hard, OK?) So he says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Can I stay here?"

After a moment for silence he quietly adds "If it's OK"

Max smiles a bit and responds "Well, we asked _you_ to stay first so you didn't need to ask."

Some of the tension leaves Thad, but not much. Max goes to get him something for his face, but before he leaves the room he turns to Thad and says "Make yourself at home."

* * *

Bart later reluctantly apologizes for smashing him in the face with the door.

Well, a month later.

And only when he does it again.

(Max still has to force him)


	3. Blood Feud

For the first couple days Thad has to sleep on the couch. He's OK with it, really. He had to spend a whole week on an inflatable bed and he'd choose the couch any day.

Helen, however, doesn't like the idea of making a (possible) long-term resident sleep in the living room and she refuses to make him sleep in the basement because she doesn't want to give him the idea that they're trying to brush him under the proverbial rug.

Her and Max are discussing converting a room into a bedroom but there are very few rooms left that are big enough to sleep in, let alone  _live_ in. Bart overhears them talking and quickly comes up with a plan.

He walks up to them and says "Hey, I have an idea! We could get a bunk bed!"

Max and Helen look at him quizzically, waiting for him to say _why_ he thinks it's a good idea. After a few moments, it becomes clear that he's not going to. (Possibly because he thinks it's obvious, or maybe because he wants to make them guess why)

So they bite the bullet and ask "Why?"

Bart sighs and says "Well, if we put him in a room alone we won't be able to tell if he starts doing shady stuff, y'know?"

They concede that maybe it's not a good idea to leave Thad unsupervised, so they decide to start looking into getting a bunk bed. The moment they turn around Bart starts silently celebrating until Thad sees and tells him "Stop that, you look like a total moron."

Max has a gut felling this isn't going to go well.

* * *

As soon as they get the new bed into Bart's (and now Thad's as well) room, the feud for top bunk begins.

It starts small, like most feuds do. It starts when Helen asks who gets top bunk and they both say, at the same time, "Me!"

They argue and argue all day about it, getting on the nerves of everybody around them.

Almost the moment Bart and Thad go into their room Max hears what can only be described as a ruckus, so he rushes to see what's happening. He's almost not even surprised to see them having a fistfight on the top bunk. He pulls them away from each other and demands to know why they want the bunk so much.

There is a silence as Bart and Thad try to think of excuses. Max sighs and (correctly) guesses that neither of them have a good reason for wanting the bunk. They start sheepishly fidgeting.

Max tells them that they should flip a coin and that if they keep fighting over this they'll have to get rid of the bed and think of something else.

Once they get a coin, they start fighting over who gets to flip it. Bart manages to get a hold of it he flips it as quickly as he can.

They don't see where it landed so they turn the whole room upside-down looking for it, until Thad looks up and sees the hole in the ceiling. After they stare speechlessly at the hole for a minute or so, the radio on the desk crackles and Craydl's voice comes through it, saying "It landed on Heads, if you wanted to know. Also, you guys forgot to call your sides so..."

Thad turns the radio off, never taking his eyes off the hole.

Bart and Thad look at each other and silently come to a truce: Max must _never_ know of this.

So they start searching for a poster to hide the hole. They don't find one in their house so they run to all the stores in town, looking for a poster that looks like Bart might have actually had it beforehand. Thad finds jack-all, so he runs back to see if Bart had any luck and, well... it's a poster all right.

It has the words "NOBODY FOR PRESIDENT" written on the bottom, and above the text is a set of people that Thad can barely comprehend. There is a silhouette-man, a man with floating hearts for arms, a creature with a cluster of broken glass for a face, and a man with a birdcage for a torso. That last one doesn't surprise him, for some reason.

Thad lets Bart take top bunk and they agree to never speak of this again.

* * *

Hours later, Thad is finally drifting off when he is startled fully awake by a loud WHUMP right next to him. He looks over and sees Bart in a heap of blankets on the floor. He glares at in a "What the hell you woke me up" kind of way. Bart glares right back and climbs the ladder.

Thirty minutes later there is another WHUMP and Thad looks over and, same as last time, there's Bart on the floor. He glares at Bart until he's out of view.

Not too long later there's a third WHUMP, and this time Thad doesn't bother even looking, he knows exactly what he'll see.

Two WHUMPs later, Thad finds himself being jostled out of bed by Bart, who has had enough of falling off beds for a lifetime. Thad takes the top bunk and, much to Bart's dismay, _doesn't_ fall out of it half a dozen times.

Bart is salty about it for years to come.


	4. Monsters 2: Electric Boogaloo

Max is having some complications in his weekly Speed Force meditation. Partially due to Thad turning the house upside trying to figure out where Bart keeps disappearing to, but mostly due to the fact that the Speed Force isn't responding at all.

* * *

 

Thad is getting _seriously_ ticked off not knowing where Bart keeps going. All Craydl is telling him is "He's not leaving city limits", like _that's_ helpful.

The only clue Thad has is that twice a week Bart goes missing and comes back _covered_ in mud. (Which is a nightmare to clean, by the way)

So now he's searching the whole house to see if there's anything hinting at where Bart's going.

However, in the middle of his searching Max tells him, with irritation laced in his voice, "Why don't you look for a place _in town_ that has mud?"

Thad doesn't pick up on the tone of his voice but takes his advice anyways.

Once he leaves, Max goes back to meditating.

Still nothing.

* * *

Thad has been looking all around town for half an hour (that's a lot longer for a speedster) and he still hasn't found anywhere with mud, let alone anywhere with the amount that Bart keeps getting covered in.

That is, until he sees the swamp.

Well, he saw it halfway through his search but he didn't think that Bart would be dumb enough to trudge through a swamp multiple times a week. It isn't until it's the only option that he finally goes in.

* * *

After a long while trudging through the swamp Thad finally hears Bart behind some bushes.

Peeking through, he sees Bart playing in the mud with... some kind of monster man?

Well, it doesn't _look_ like the monster is actively trying to kill Bart, so Thad decides to ask what the _hell_ he's doing here.

Bart nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Thad.

Once Bart manages to calm down a bit (and after throwing a rock at Thad) he explains what he's doing.

"Well, this is... omigod I forgot what his name was." Thad facepalms.

" _Anyways,_ " Bart continues, "he's just... a lonely kid, y'know?"

Thad looks over to what he just found out to be a child, who is currently trying to make something out of sticks (poorly).

He sighs and runs home, jumping in the river on the way back. (He didn't want to track mud everywhere)

* * *

Max is starting to get close to giving up his meditating when the Speed Force _finally_ starts to respond, but before he can actually do anything with the connection he is suddenly sprinkled with just enough water to break his concentration.

He opens his eyes to see Thad flitting around the room, looking for something.

Max pinches the bridge of his nose and asks, exasperated,  "What are you looking for _this_ time?"

Thad turns and timidly says "Some tools?"

Max tells him to "Check the shed".

Thad thanks him and runs off.

Max goes back to his meditating.

And he's right back to square one.

* * *

Bart is still hanging out with Hector (Bart ran over to his parents to ask what his name was) when Thad comes back with some building supplies. (Hammers, nails, some boards, the works)

Bart nervously asks "Hey, uh... why do you have that stuff?"

Thad scoffs and says "Look at that", pointing at the stick-structure "That won't last a _day_ without any reinforcements!"

After a moment Bart starts laughing at Thad's extreme perfectionism, flustering Thad to the point of him throwing one of the hammers at him.

The three of them spend the rest of the day building stuff until Hector has to go home. They promise to come back in a couple days and run home.

Thad pushes Bart into the river on the way back.

* * *

Meanwhile, Max manages to connect to the Speed Force. (It only took four hours)

And what he sees disturbs him, to say the least. The Speed Force is silent.

Usually he can hear an ambient hum or the vague sound of people talking, but today there is nothing.

The only thing _visually_ different is that there is a purplish tint to everything.

After probing for a while, Max comes to the worrying conclusion that the Speed Force is completely empty.

But just as he's about to stop meditating and contact the other speedsters, he sees a faint outline.

He starts to approach what he can now tell is the outline of a person, but before he can touch it or even _see_ it properly _,_ the figure turns to look him and Max is hit with a _splitting_ headache, one so _intense_ he passes out.

When he wakes up later, he figures that he fell asleep in the middle of meditating.

All he remembers is that he wanted to tell the others something, but he can't remember what that something _was_.

"Hmm" he thinks, "Maybe meditating later might help jog my memory."

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any typos in this fic, please tell me!  
> (So I made up a name for a character only to notice that he already had a name half a month later. It was tiny text, okay!?)


	5. Theatre

It's been two and a half weeks since Thad came to stay and Helen is still on edge most of the time, but that feeling goes away a little bit every time he does something genuine.

For example, completely forgetting the word "stairs", getting so caught up in reading that you could bang pots and pans next to him and he wouldn't notice, and those moments where he gets so excited just explaining things that he speeds up to the point that no one who's not a speedster can understand him.

However, Helen makes sure to never fully trust him because, well, he impersonated Bart so well that she doesn't trust herself to be able to tell if he's acting or not.

* * *

Meanwhile, Bart "I didn't think that driving the semi into that building would make it collapse" Allen is currently grounded from super-heroics for a week. (And video games. And comics.)

Bart thinks that's bullcrap.

Two days into the grounding, Bart gets a call from Kon saying that they're throwing a _huge_ party at the Young Justice mansion. He starts rattling off what they've got: multiple ball pits, laser tag, no less then five bounce houses, live music, and whatever a "Marshmallow Buffet" is. (And much, much more)

His immediate impulse is to run there right away, but he stops himself when he remembers that Max and Helen have been checking in on him every hour.

He thinks of a plan for a long time (actually three seconds) and realizes that there's only one thing that would work. He _hates_ it, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

After hours upon hours (five minutes) of begging and pleading, Thad finally caves and agrees to help. (In exchange for dozens of favors)

* * *

Downstairs, Helen feels a burst of wind pass her. Moments later, she hears the kitchen faucet turn on.

She peeks around the corner and sees Bart doing the dishes. Without being told to, at normal speed. Understandably, she is a bit thrown off by this. But she comes to the conclusion that Bart is just trying to get his grounding shortened. Since that's not really a problem, she leaves him to it.

A half hour later, the dishes are done, Bart takes the garbage out. And once he's done with that, he starts vacuuming. And after _that,_ he runs upstairs and takes his homework into the living room and starts doing it calmly.

 _N_ _ow_ Helen thinks something's up. And, now that she thinks about it, his hair looks a bit... off. But there's only one way she can think of to confirm what she's thinking.

She changes the TV channel to cartoons.

Bart doesn't even glance up.

She leans over and pulls on a tiny bit of his hair.

All of his hair moves with it.

She yanks the wig off, startling Thad.

He starts to ask how she knew, but Helen cuts him off, demanding "Where's Bart!?"

He responds "At some Young Justice party!" and, as he says that, Craydl hijacks the TV and turns it to live footage of Bart outside the YJ mansion, just _shoveling_ marshmallows into his mouth. In the background, they see Slobo jumping off the roof onto a bounce house. It deflates on impact.

Helen sighs in relief as she feels her blood pressure dropping. Thad actually looks pretty bummed out.

After a tense silence, Thad mutters "How did you figure it out? I did the same things I did _last_ time I impersonated him."

Thad saying that gives Helen an epiphany: Thad was _never_ a good actor, they only fell for it because of Max's condition.

Helen doesn't know how to respond in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings, so she just goes for it.

"You're not that good of an actor."

Thad visibly deflates at that.

She quickly adds " _But..."_ Thad turns away from the floor to look at her "there _is_ a way you can get better."

* * *

She later calls Max to tell him where Bart went.  It is not an easy task making him come back, and it's only made harder when Max accidentally lets it slip that they're adding something to his grounding.

He only comes back when he's told that they're not adding _time,_ just a little something extra he has to do.

* * *

A couple days later, Bart shuffles his way to breakfast, looking positively shell-shocked. He sits and looks across the table at Max and Helen, eyes haunted, and asks "Who told Thad about the Theater Club?"

Once he sees that he's not getting an answer, Bart lets his head fall onto the table. He mumbles "Just tell me what I have to do so I can get away from... from  _that."_

Max says "You're not going to like it."

Bart replies " _Please_ , I'll do _anything!_ "

Max feels a bit bad saying what's next: "You have to help Thad with his line reads."

Bart slides out of the chair and onto the floor, whining "Whyyyyyy, he's sooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad."

"Well, you were the one who brought it to our attention that he needed help."

Bart lets out an elongated groan before climbing back up onto the chair. If he's gonna have to do this, he's not gonna do it on an empty stomach.

* * *

 

He doesn't hate it as much as he thought he would. Well, most of his enjoyment comes from flubbing his lines and making Thad mad.

It's not ideal, but at least they're not trying to actively beat each other up for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flash Fact!: The wig is from that time Bart shaved his head for some reason.  
> (I still have no clue why they thought that was a good idea)


	6. Surprises

On a particularly lazy Saturday, Helen is filling out some paperwork in the living room. Well, she's trying to, but with Bart running to the window every time he hears a car slow down it's getting pretty frustrating having to hold the papers down every time a car passes.

Eventually, she asks why he keeps running back and forth.

He replies "I won a sweepstakes!"

"Which one?"

"...I don't remember."

Helen pauses for a moment and asks "How?"

"Well, I _did_ enter every sweepstakes that Alabama was eligible in."

Helen rolls her eyes with a smile and asks "What did you win?"

"All I got was a call that said I would get what I won in the mail."

Helen thinks that might be one of the fishiest things she's ever heard but she doesn't want to rain on Bart's parade, so she lets it slide.

(Thad hands her a paperweight a few minutes later.)

* * *

An hour and a half later, the mail still hasn't come and Bart is now sitting next to the mailbox, just about ready to jump into traffic the moment he sees the mail truck.

Just as Bart is starting to wonder that maybe it's Sunday, (that happens sometimes) the mail truck comes. He almost causes a pile-up trying to get to it.

Bart nearly gives everyone a heart attack with how suddenly he slams the door open. He takes almost too much joy in shoving the letter in everyone's faces.

When Thad tells him to "Just open it already!", He tears it open and opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out.

After about thirty seconds of Bart standing there, silent, Thad walks over and yanks the letter out of his hands and reads it. He squints and tilts his head in confusion. He turns to Max and asks "What's mini golf?"

* * *

As it turns out, Bart won a free month's worth of mini golf. At one course. He is _not_ pleased about it. Mostly because one of the other prizes was a dirt bike, but also because he hates golf. Like, a _lot_.

Helen and Max were trying to be optimistic on the drive there, but when they get there they have to re-check the address they got to make sure they have the right place.

The course is, to put it nicely, rustic. If you're _not_ putting it nicely, you could say that the place looks like it could have been abandoned years ago, were it not for the one person working there.

The one employee, who is a teenager who clearly does not want to be there, tells them that if they don't have clubs they can grab some from the bin in the corner. The clubs are... not in good condition. Some of them don't have grips, some don't have heads, and almost all of them are bent.

Somehow, mini golf is more boring than _regular_ golf. The only thing that Bart is even remotely enjoying about it is that the club he picked is bent at a ninety degree angle.

On hole three out of ten, they see the employee get in his car and drive off. Max and Helen share a worried look.

Four holes later Bart yells "Hey! Watch this!" Everyone turns to look at him just as he winds up for a massive swing. Before anyone can tell him to stop he yells, at the top of his lungs, "TOUCHDOWN!!!' and swings as fast as he can.

He misses, and the club flies out of his hands and disappears into the clouds.

After a few moments of stunned silence, the transponder on Thad's watch turns on and a voice comes through it nervously saying "Hey, guys? There's a... umm..."

But before Thad can ask what Craydl is talking about a fireball falls from the sky, smashing the building they got the clubs in.

Once they recover from the shock, Max takes a step forward to see what fell. But the moment he does part of the wreck flies off, landing mere feet from Bart. They look at it and notice that it has NASA written on it.

From the wrecked satellite emerges a very tall (about seven feet), rail thin metallic man. He walks, unscathed, out of the fire.

He booms "Who do I have to thank for freeing me from my void-prison!", holding out a scorched golf club as he speaks.

Thad turns to glare at Bart while Max asks who the metal man is.

"My name is Katmos!", he says  _very_ loudly "And I was the ruler of this planet in the year eight million B.C.!"

Max asks what he was doing up there. Katmos responds "I was imprisoned in the void by your _paltry_ military after I was _denied_ my rightful place by that... that  _troglodyte_ that you call The Flash!"

"But now that I am free, I can continue my quest to reclaim my title as _absolute ruler_ of Earth!"

Max walks towards him and says "Listen, you can't d-"

Before he can finish, Katmos strikes him upside the head, knocking him out instantly.

Bart and Thad rush in the moment Max gets hit.

They don't have much more luck.

Katmos struts away, laughing to himself as he goes.

* * *

Thad's transponder turns on again, but he's not conscious enough to answer it.

So Helen does.

Craydl says "Well, that sure happened."

Helen is in no mood for jokes and demands to know why he didn't help. Craydl responds "My Technoplasm is undergoing maintenance!"

"Your WHAT!?"

" _Anyways_ ", Craydl interrupts, "I can't really do much right now. Do you have any ideas?"

Helen brainstorms for a moment before coming up with something. She tells Craydl the plan and he says, through his laughter, "Oh man, I can get that done in ten minutes. God, I hope this works!"

* * *

Eleven minutes later Helen catches up to Katmos just as Craydl gives the go-ahead.

She drops to one knee and pledges her allegiance to him. Katmos cackles and says "Ha-ha! Getting my first subject was easier than I thought it was going to be! I didn't even have to use my mind-control gun! Follow me, my loyal servant! We shall go this nation's capitol and- wait, what's that in the sky?"

He points a tiny green spot in the sky. Helen smiles.

Suddenly, a dozen black dots come out of the green dot. Katmos exclaims "What are _those_ _?!"_

Helen puts on a worried voice and says "It's the military! You have to run!"  


"Why!? My might _far_ exceeds theirs!"

"You've been space for years! You don't know how far they've advanced!"

Realization dawns on Katmos' face and he runs back the way he came. Helen yells after him "No, not that way!" He changes direction so suddenly he trips and falls flat on his face.

He runs back and says "Where am I supposed to go then!?"

Helen pauses, as she hadn't thought she would get this far. So she says the first place that comes to mind.

"Albuquerque!"

" _Albuquerque_!? Where's that!?"  


She points in a random direction and says "That way!"

He starts running but Helen yells "You can't run there, the military can track you! You have to dig!"

He starts tearing at the dirt at a surprising speed. Just before he's completely underground Helen calls after him "If you see Bugs, tell him I said hi!"

Katmos pops out of the hole, looking almost absurdly stern. Helen thinks that maybe the jig is up, but then he does a gesture that she is almost one-hundred percent sure is some kind of ancient salute so she does it back. He smiles and burrows back underground.

After making sure he's gone Helen sighs in relief as the lab junk that Craydl repurposed falls from the sky.

* * *

 

On the drive back, Bart is laughing to the point of tears as Helen and Craydl recount what happened. Thad is confused By how hard Bart started to laugh the moment "Albuquerque" came up. And Max is just proud.  


When they get back home, Max feels like they forgot something important. Oh well, maybe he'll remember it when he meditates later.

* * *

 

He remembers two weeks later, when the obliterated mini golf course shows up on the news. Nobody actually _reported_ that it was destroyed, the traffic copter just happened to fly over the crater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flash Fact!: Katmos' first (and only) appearance was in "The Flash, issue 105 vol. 1", in the story "The Conqueror from 8 Million B.C.!"


	7. #%@$!

Thad is 100% sure he's going to _ace_ this essay on the French Revolution. That doesn't stop him from reading and re-reading it the entire bus ride to school, though.

After he's re-read it around 50 times, he takes a quick look around the bus and he sees Bart sitting next to Carol and Preston in the row opposite, trying to write his essay as fast as he can without tearing the paper or setting on fire. It is, at best, barely legible. He goes back to reviewing his essay.

When the bus reaches the school Thad makes sure he's the first one off the bus and first inside, which he does every day, so that he can minimize the amount of people he has to be in close proximity with. Hell, the only people he really talks to are teachers and the theater club, and that's just because he _has_ to.

He gets to the classroom before the teacher is even ready and sits down, ready to blow everyone away with his essay.

* * *

For the last few weeks Max hasn't successfully meditated even once. He's "fallen asleep" every time he's tried. This sudden narcolepsy is rather worrying considering last month's medical crisis, but Max doesn't mention it in hopes that it will just pass. Well, that and he doesn't want to stress everybody out, especially not when everything is finally starting to calm down.

But today, Bart and Thad have just left for school and Helen is going to be at work all day, so Max is going to take the opportunity to try and meditate non-stop, and if he falls asleep he'll try again when he wakes up.

He realizes that this is probably a very bad idea, but he figures that if he manages to succeed just  _once_ , he can figure out and solve the problem before anyone else notices.

* * *

"Class, I hope you remembered to do your essa-" Thad stands up so suddenly his chair just about falls over, but a super-quick move prevents  _that_ embarrassment. He walks over to the front of the class just a  _little_ too fast to be normal.

The teacher looks at him quizzically and says "As I was _about_ to say, I hope you did your essays, but if you haven't finished them yet, you can either finish them or review them to make sure you're _actually_  done with them during recess."

* * *

Thad decides take this opportunity to reread his essay few more dozen times, just to make sure it's perfect. Around his tenth readthrough, he feels someone lean over his shoulder. His immediate instinct is to stab whoever just  _dared_ to violate his personal space. However, he doesn't have anything sharp within arms reach, so he decides to punch them instead.

Then he hears "So, did you finish this _shitty_ assignment?"

Suddenly, all the fury in him disappears. Now, the only thing on his mind is a burning question, and after momentarily wrestling with himself, he turns to the boy with the eyepatch and asks:

"What does that word mean?"

Eyepatch Boy gives him a confused look and responds "Which word?"

"Shitty", Thad replies matter-of-factly.

"S-seriously?"

"Yes."

"Do you know _any_ swears?"

Thad, starting to get more than a bit frustrated that he's not just _saying_ what it means and wasting his time, snaps "Just tell me what it means already!"

Eyepatch Boy jumps a little at the outburst and says "Jeez, give me a minute!" and takes a moment to close his eyes and think. During that moment, Thad almost decides to take a millisecond to go get a dictionary, but Max and Helen _do_ keep telling him to socialize more, and, not wanting to disappoint them, chooses to wait.

Eyepatch Boy snaps his eyes open and looks at Thad with a gleam in his eye that, if he could read people to any degree, Thad would recognize as pure mischief.

"Al _right,_ " Eyepatch Boy says confidently as he plops onto the bench next to Thad, "so there's shit, damn, ass, bitch, to name a few."

Thad gets lost in thought for a moment, silently berating himself for not knowing such simple-sounding words. Then he is consumed by need to _learn,_ to fill in any cracks in his (vast, if you were to ask him) intellect, so that he can protect his ego from those embarrassing situations where he misses key words and responds to what he  _thinks_ they said.

Thad asks "Why did you call them swears?”

A vaguely malicious grin creeps across the other boy's face as he says "Because people swear by them, duh!"

Thad makes a mental note to drop his body into a whirlpool if he talks down to him liked that again.

Eyepatch Boy continues "You haven't heard them because they're  _fancy_ words, used only by the most  _distinguished_ people. Hell, mostpeople have never even  _heard_ the words said out loud!"

At this point, Thad is starting to get suspicious, but he figures that of he _was_ being lied to Craydl would start vibrating his watch at a frequency that signals "liar". Unfortunately for him, he grabbed the wrong one. The watch was made while he was impersonating Bart, and it was modelled to look _exactly_  like Bart's, so that no one would ask where the new watch came from.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Bart is starting to think his watch is broken. It's really hard to write an essay while your arm is about to get shaken off, so he puts it in his backpack.

* * *

 

"Alright class, step up and read your essays."

Thad doesn't need the prompt. In fact, he never even bothered to sit down.

He takes his place next to the desk and scans the room, looking at all the people whose lives he's sure he's going change with his essay.

He notices Eddie, who had introduced himself after helping Thad with all the different ways the words can be used. Eddie gives him a thumbs up.

Thad grins, clears his throat, does a short vocal exercise, takes a deep breath, and starts reading his rewritten essay.

* * *

The ringing of a phone startles Max from his meditation. He sighs and moves to pick up the phone, ready to tell yet  _another_ salesperson that he doesn't want what they're selling. He should really get around to asking the phone company to fix the caller ID.

He grabs the phone, but the caller starts talking before he can make a sound.

"Hello? Is this Maxwell Crandall?"

The voice on the other end of the line isn't a salesperson, surprisingly. It's a voice Max has unfortunately heard far too much of in the last year. 

The school's principal, Edith Crimbleton.

He steels himself and says "Hello, Edith. What did Bart do this time?"

"It wasn't Bartholomew this time. It was your other child, Thaddeus."

Max facepalms and responds, somehow sounding more tired then when he was sick, "What happened?""

"Thaddeus started... started... _spewing_ such _horrible_   _vulgarities_!"

Max is startled by the sudden outburst. He's never heard her get this loud, not even after that time Bart accidentally lit his desk on fire.

He opens his mouth to speak, but Edith doesn't give him the chance.

"Then he committed pugilistic actions against his fellow classmates!"

Max bites back a curse. He just  _knows_ he'll never hear the end of this at the next PTA meeting.

"I'll be there as quick as I can."

* * *

When he gets there, the first thing he does is have a superspeed talk with Bart, who is trying to set his broken nose so that it doesn't heal weird.

"'kay, so Thad was reading his essay, right? And there was  _so much cursing_! Like, every fourth word was a swear!"

Max's face contorts into the visual equivalent of an exasperated groan. He  _already_ doesn't know how he's going to talk Edith out of expelling Thad, and he hasn't even heard the whole story.

Bart continues "And  _everybody's_ laughing, 'cause it was hilarious. But Thad just looked  _pissed._ "

"Language, Bart."

"Whatever. Like I was _saying_ , Thad looked angrier than I've ever seen him. Like, he was so red I thought he was gonna  _explode!_ ", Bart says while fanning his arms out in an attempt to mime an explosion.

 _"Then_ he ran over and started  _whaling_ on Evil Eye!"

"That kid with the eyepatch?"

"Yeah. So I went over to pull him off, and he _kicked_ me in the  _grifein' face!"_

" _Bart._ Just because Thad was swearing doesn't mean you can."

Bart looks a lot more hurt by that than Max would have expected, but Bart continues recapping anyways.

"After that everything's kind of a blur. Thad stopped when the teacher yelled at him."

There is a moment of awkward silence after Bart trails off. Max gives him a hand motion that says "go on".

"Oh!" Bart exclaims. "That's it."

Max pinches the bridge of his nose and steels himself for the difficult talk ahead of him.

* * *

Forty-five minutes of intense negotiating later, Max finally manages to convince Edith to not outright expel Thad.

Thad  _does_ get a month's worth of detention, effective immediately.

Max decides to give him the "Don't try to beat the life out of your classmates" talk when he gets home.

* * *

Thad has never felt so ashamed. He should have  _known_ he was being tricked! 

He looks around the detention hall and sees his  _deceiver_ , Evil Eye. Thad can see a black eye peeking out from under his eyepatch.

He wishes no one had stopped him from getting his vengeance.

* * *

 

Half an hour later, the teacher steps out for a moment and Thad hears a chair quickly move and quick footsteps coming towards him. He grips his pencil tight, ready to stab him if the first words out of his mouth aren't begging for an apology.

A hand slams down on his desk as Eddie loudly proclaims "I realize what I did was wrong, and I apologize." he extends his other hand and adds "Friends?", far too cheerily for Thad's taste.

Thad looks at his hand, then looks him dead in the eye and deadpans "You just want me to be your dumb muscle, don't you."

Eddie scoffs and says "What? No, of course not!"

Thad levels him with a glare that could peel paint. Eddie is completely unaffected by it, but he spills the beans the moment Thad starts to stand up.

"Okay, fine, you got me! But can you blame me? You have the quickest hands this side of Central City!"

Thad settles back down in his chair and retorts "I can and I  _will_ blame you, and if you try to trick me again you  will _regret_ it."

The threat, much like the glare, doesn't affect Eddie much. In fact, it doesn't even make Eddie miss a beat, as he immediately responds "Okay, okay, I get it, you're still mad."

 _An understatement_ , Thad thinks.

" _But_... I know a  _very_ good way to work it off."

Once it becomes clear that he won't say what it is until Thad responds, Thad sighs and begrudgingly says "Fine, I'll bite. What is it?"

"Do you wanna torch Herbie Hawke's car?"

Thad runs the name through his memory to see if he knows it. He doesn't. And, against his better judgement, he asks "Who?"

Eddie looks incredulous as he says "You don't know Herbie Hawke? The guy whose been campaigning for mayor since the  _last_ election? _Two years ago_?"

Now Thad  _knows_ he's being lied to. And he decides to voice that opinion.

"I'm insulted that you think I'm stupid enough to fall for that."

Eddie freezes, like he can't believe what he just heard. He then takes a single step to the side at points at the huge billboard across the street that has an image of a very pasty man on of and reads "HERBIE HAWKE FOR MAYOR".

Thad's not entirely sure if it's legal to put a political ad  _right_ _next_ to a school.

In an attempt to hide his shame, Thad asks "And  _why_ should we?" in the most condescending tone he can manage.

'C'mon dude, just look at the guy!"

Thad glares at Eddie before taking a closer look at the billboard. There's not much to it, Thad thinks, just your average middle-aged, doughy, balding politician with an empty smile. What little hair he has left is brown, but it's only still that color due to the worst dye-job Thad has ever seen.

Then he looks into his eyes and a shiver runs down his spine. There is not a single drop of emotion behind them, the kind of eyes Thad could imagine on a serpent, one ready to strike the moment you turn your back on it.

While Thad is looking at the ad, Eddie begins to recite the laundry list of things that  _should_ bar Herbie from campaigning.

The list contains, but is not limited to: Drugrunning, blackmail, embezzling, attempting to rig an election, and at least one suspected murder.

Thad scrunches his nose up and asks "How do you know all that?"

Eddie chuckles and says "Both my dad  _and_ grandpa are career supervillains, so they know about a lot of the dirt that happens here."

Thad weighs his options; either ignore him and go about his day, or wreck some dirtbag's car in such a way he could easily make Eddie's death look like an accident. Only if Eddie betrays him, of course.

Thad thinks that this is maybe the easiest decision he's ever had to make in his life.

* * *

Around the time Max is wondering when Thad is going to get back, as he _usually_  comes home the first moment physically can, the phone rings. Max prays to any god that will listen that it's not  _more_ bad news, and picks up the phone.

"Hello?" 

Max immediately recognizes the voice as Thad's, and an extremely bland conversation follows, the end result of which is Thad telling Max that he's going to patrol for a bit before he comes back.

After he hangs up, Max goes to help Helen with dinner, more than a little bit glad that Thad is at least trying to make up for what he did.

It's not going to stop him from getting lectured later, though.

* * *

Thad hangs up the payphone, feeling far worse than he thought he would about the lie.

He sneaks back into the bush across the street from Herbie Hawkes' mcmansion, where he and Eddie are waiting for night to fall.

The wait is an arduous task, but they pass the time by talking about stuff like "What is the best way to pickpocket somebody" and "Where is the best place to hit someone and knock them out without causing lifelong injuries".

The fact that they're talking about committing crimes while _waiting_ to commit a crime against someone  _for_ committing crimes is not lost on them.

It takes an hour for it to get dark enough so that they won't be seen. They creep across the street towards the car parked on the curb. As Eddie gets to work picking the lock, Thad starts to wonder why Herbie parked his car out here when, in his line of sight, he can see the three-car garage connected to his house.

Suddenly, just as Eddie gets the door open, Thad is nearly deafened by an alarm. He vibrates his hand through the hood of the car and breaks the alarm as fast as he can.

Then, silence follows.

Neither of them dare to even take a breath until they're sure the coast is clear. A whole minute later, after no response, they share a sigh of relief.

Then a door slams open.

Thad and Eddie scramble to get underneath the car and out of sight. They hear the door-slammer screaming "WHY WON'T YOU GOSHDARN HOOLIGANS LEAVE ME ALONE!?"

The distinctive sound of a shotgun cocking is almost drowned out by the door-slammer's rant continues "I SWEAR TO THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST THAT IF I SEE ANY OF Y'ALL, I'LL SHOOT YER DANG HEADS OFF!"

He goes on and on like that for about ten minutes before Thad scoots forward to at least  _see_ what's happening, and what he sees is a middle-aged, doughy, balding man prowling the lawn with a shotgun, screaming at people who, under normal circumstances, would be miles away.

He is suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Eddie hitting his head off the bottom of the car trying to get a peek at the action.

Both Thad and Herbie turn to the sound, Thad silently shushing, Herbie leveling his gun, poised to fire the moment he sees movement.

Thad  _would_ run away, but Eddie has a death grip on his leg. Normally this wouldn't stop him, but he found out that Eddie is Morlo's grandson when they were passing time, and he actually kinda  _likes_ Morlo so he doesn't want to get on his bad side.

Thad turns back to see Herbie creeping towards the car. It takes an agonizingly long time for him to get there, and when he does, Eddie looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

Just as Herbie starts to crouch a trashcan down the block falls over. Herbie breaks into a mad dash towards it, rounding the corner to chase the supposed vandal.

Thad and Eddie drag themselves out from underneath the car. Eddie pulls a bottle with an oily rag sticking out of it out of his jacket, prompting Thad to hiss " _What are you doing_!?" as Eddie yanks the rag out.

Eddie doesn't respond, instead opening the door and liberally emptying the contents of the bottle over the seats. Once the bottle is devoid of fluids, he hands the rag to Thad, who gives him a quizzical look as he produces a lighter and sets the rag aflame.

Thad immediately panics and throws it into the car, which instantly bursts into flame. Eddie belts out a victory whoop and runs away, Thad on his heels not a second later. They run and run and run until Eddie yells "Split!" and makes a sudden right turn down an alley. Thad figures this is the best time to go home and take a shower.

He has his hand on the doorknob when he realizes "Wait, cars have gas in them. Fire explodes gas." 

Cue desperate sprint back to the car. It takes him less than 5 seconds to remove the gas tank and make a break for it, tank under his arm until he can find a place to property dispose of it.

On his way to the dump, he sees something that makes him screech to a halt. He _so_ did not want or  _need_ to fight a supervillain today.

The villain in question is one Thad has never seen before, but he looks a character from those obscenely bloody movies Bart always watches, what with his massive physique, hockey mask, flannel shirt, and coveralls, not to mention that he's as silent as a tomb.

The only thing keeping him from that aesthetic is the fact that he is currently attempting to steal a monster truck with what appears to be tons of psychically controlled mud.

Thad hears a crackling sound behind him, so he takes a peek over his shoulder and freezes when he sees the fire that has been trailing him since he took the gas tank.

He looks at the tank. Then at the villain. Then back to the tank. Infinitely done with today and not willing to take the time to think of an alternative, he chucks the tank as hard as he can at the villain, who encases himself in a ball of mud to avoid harm.

The tank embeds in the mud, exploding when the fire catches up to it. Fortunately or _un_ fortunately, depending on your viewpoint, Thad forgot to consider if the truck  _also_ had gas in it, so  _that_ explodes too, the shockwave flinging the mudball over the horizon.

Thad wipes the sweat from his brow and runs home again, this time actually managing to get inside.

* * *

 

He immediately feels a ball of shame and guilt form in his gut when he realizes he missed dinner. Who  _does_ that? Who shoves themselves into someone else's life then denies their hospitality?

Thad is interrupted from his downward spiral by a gruff voice saying "There's leftovers in the fridge." 

Max walks past him and settles down on the couch, gesturing at the seat next to him. Thad had almost forgotten about the lecture.

He is in no mood to have this talk, so he decides to get out of it the most efficient way he can think of: the truth.

"Eddie and myself have come to an..." Thad stops to think of the right word. Grife, he hates these past languages. He finds the word, snaps his finger and says, a tad louder than necessary, "Understanding!"

"Uh- _huh._ "

The almost non-answer doesn't stop Thad from continuing "So if we can do this tomorrow that would be preferable because I  _really_ need a shower."

" _I can tell_." Max deadpans.

Thad takes that as a cue to go, but he stops at the foot of the stairs and timidly asks "You're... you're not mad, are you?"

Max sighs and says "No, I just have a headache."

Thad, relieved by the answer, goes to take his shower.

* * *

Max turns the TV on and changes it to the news, which is trying to report two stories simultaneously; a supervillain attack, and the vandalising of a mayoral candidate's car. It doesn't take too much thinking to connect Thad smelling like gas, a torched car, and a villain defeated by a gas explosion.

Great, yet  _another_ thing he has to get Thad to explain.

They cut to an interview with the haggard candidate, who is ranting about the "degenerates" who wrecked his car.

The man goes on and on and _on_ , making Max think maybe, just  _maybe_ , he'll let Thad get away with this one. On second thought, Bart would probably take it personally, so that's out of the question.

Eventually, the news becomes background noise and Max drifts off to sleep.

* * *

In the middle of his slumber, Max realizes that he is standing, but he cannot move any part of his body.

He stands there for what feels like ages until a tiny shock of electricity gives him just enough energy to open his eyes. 

What he sees leaves him with the most intense feeling of déjà-vu he has ever felt. His vision is completely taken up by an endless purple maelstrom.

Max suddenly recognizes where he is:  _The Speed Force_. But something feels... wrong about it. But he can't place what that _something_ is.

"Max, Max,  _Max,_ haven't we done this _enough_ times today?" a voice drawls behind him.

A particularly hard smack on his back is followed by a completely featureless purple man swaggering into his line of sight.

"Well, technically  _I_ brought you here this time, but hey, semantics, right?" Max feels like the man would have a shit-eating grin plastered on his face if he had one.

"As you can probably tell, I am _very_ busy." He gestures at the purple energy enveloping everything. "And I don't have the time to keep wiping your mind, as fun as it is."

"Now, I _am_ a gracious host, so I'll give you a fighting chance." The man, quick as lightning, grabs Max's face. Instantaneously, the memories of the entire last month of meditation is returned to him.

Still reeling from the shock, he nearly misses the man say "If you can guess my name, I will let you keep those memories. Five minutes. Though I bet you'll get it before then."

Max immediately starts trying to deduct who the man could  _possibly_ be. He seems to think that Max has far more information than he actually does. His thoughts are only interrupted by the man chiming in for every minute passed.

Just as Max concludes that he has no idea who he is, the man cheers "Time's up!"

He reaches out his hand, crackling with electricity, towards Max as he says "One chance. No retries. Good luck!"

A bolt hits Max, giving him the energy to make at least one movement, maybe less.

So he does nothing.

It takes the man less than fifteen seconds to become irrationally impatient, saying "C'mon man, didn't I give you enough?" He blasts Max again.

Max remains completely still. He gets blasted another three times. Still nothing.

The man, who'd previously kept himself at arm's length, storms up to him, yelling "You'd better give me an answer before I do something you'll regret!"

So Max gives him an answer, in the form of a punch to the face.

The man explodes as the Speed Force  _screams_ and turns to a more reddish-purple.

Max then feels the unpleasant sensation of about two thousand fists colliding with him at the same time.

Suddenly the man is inches from Max's face, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, flinging him around like a ragdoll and  _screeching_  " _HOW DARE YOU!? I'LL THROW YOUR DOG OFF A BRIDGE AND BEAT YOUR MOTHER WITH WHAT'S LEFT! I'D RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND WEAR THEM AS A HAT IF I DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE ONE!"_ he points at his own head so forcefully that he makes contact with his head and he  _freezes._

He runs a hand over his hatless head and looks down at his barren torso. He lets go of Max's battered form and puts both hands on his smooth face, during which the Speed Force returns to it's previous purple hue.

The man sheepishly mutters "Uh... whoops. My bad." 

He pulls Max back to his feet and, brushing off nonexistent dirt, conversationally saying "No  _wonder_ you couldn't tell who I was!"

Once Max is sufficiently cleaned up and re-frozen, the man takes a step back and admires his handiwork. He then appears to get lost in thought for a minute, until a figurative lightbulb lights up over his head.

He  _jams_ his thumbs into where his eyesockets would be and twists them around until he's satisfied. When he pulls them out, two blindingly white orbs taking up the previously blank space. Not quite done, he grabs his jaw and  _tears_ open a jagged mouth for himself.

He looks over to Max and remarks "I'm doing a pretty good job, wouldn't ya say?" He then proceeds to cackle at his own joke for a while until he smacks his cheeks lightly and says "Right, back to work."

He digs his fingers into his hip and  _drags_ it up his chest diagonally, an upside down lightning bolt forming after it. He spins on his heel like a top before striking a pose like a stage magician, declaring "Now for the peace day resistance!"

Max wishes more than anything that he could do anything to make him shut the hell up.

The man gestures dramatically at the wall of the Speed Force and a chunk of iron flies out of it. He starts molding it like a sculptor would clay, rambling "You know, I was just as surprised as you are now when I found out that people aren't the only things that get sucked in here. You're probably thinking, "Oh, he's _so_ cool! I wish I was as smart as hi-" Ah! It's done!" He holds up the finished product, a familiar helmet, with reverence.

"Well, it's almost done." He waves a hand and some copper wire flies into his hand. He quickly gets to work fashioning it into the shape he wants, saying "Gold doesn't last too long in here, so I have to make due. And... done!"

The man proudly puts the helmet, now complete with tiny wings, and struts up to Max, saying "Now to deal with _you."_

He puts his hand almost entirely over Max's face, leaving his eyes exposed. "If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't going to let you keep those memories even if you  _did_ guess my name."

Max clenches his hand into a fist, surprising the man.

"Oh! You're stronger than I thought. I guess I should tell you  _something_  about me." He smiles an almost friendly smile at Max. "Right? Right."

Then, faster than Max can comprehend, his head is  _slammed_ against the ground and held there.

The man, with a crazed look on his face, snarls " _I. Have. No. Rival."_

Electricity shoots through the man's arm and straight into Max's skull as the man says, chipper as can be, "See you in a couple weeks!"

* * *

Max wakes up so violently that he almost falls out of bed.

Once he composes himself, he tries to remember what the dream was, but his headache is so blinding that he can't. Oh, well.

He then starts his morning routine, which consists of the usual stuff people do in the morning; getting dressed, brushing teeth, taking a shower, making a detailed schedule of the day, and... huh.

He can't remember the last time he's meditated. Hmm. Of course, he thinks, now he has  _two_ kids to teach and he barely had the time to mediate with just  _one!_

Routine finished, Max goes downstairs to get breakfast and to tell Thad that it's not okay to beat up your classmates  _or_ set people's cars on fire and  _no_ , it doesn't matter if you  _think_ they did something, you still need proof. He can't believe he has to have this talk  _again_.

It's going to be a  _long_ day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Herbie Hawke sounds like Bill Strickland from King of the Hill fyi
> 
> Also, Craydl was the one who knocked over the garbage can.
> 
> Next Time: Farm Felonies!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took a while.  
> (The chapter will get a name once I can think of a good one, or if someone suggests one that works)

"That's a terrible name for a dog!"

"Dox is a good name! You tried to name him Ivan! What kinda name is that!?"

"A great one!"

Max sighs and moves to break up this fight for what is either the dozenth or hundredth time. That _day_.

The squabbling youths are dragged apart before the squabbling turns into a mutual beating. They don't miss a beat in their argument until Bart leaves the room to prepare for their field trip.

Thad huffs and grumbles "I will lose my _mind_ if I have to be in a bus with that _dimwit_ , let alone the rest of them!" He turns to his mentor and continues "Remind me again why I can't just call in sick and do some extra tests?"

Max pinches his brow and points to the TV, where the local news station is still covering the now 3-day-old arson of the future mayoral candidate's car. (It's been a rough couple of days for that station)

"That wasn't my idea!"

"You didn't try to _stop_ it, either."

"Well... that's because of..."

* * *

Thaddeus Thawne the second is in hell.

The clutter, the noise, the _smell_ , it's all almost too much to bear. He considers tying himself to the roof of the bus, but then he'd be outside, during one of the hottest days on record, through the _rankest_ farmland he's ever had the displeasure of smelling.

It'd almost be worth it to escape the shenanigans within the bus, however. Nearly every single student is being as loud as humanly possible, either complaining, scheming, or just trying to have a normal conversation over the din, all while the teachers are trying to calm their wards with some inane song about... passing bottles? Thad can barely hear it, but he's sure it's stupid anyways, so he stops trying.

Oddly, the only student who's _not_ causing a ruckus is Bart Allen, who is staring out the window with a glum expression on his face, occasionally attempting to plug his ears to no avail. Thad doesn't particularly care about that either, so he turns to his own window and tries to ignore the kid who Thad is _pretty sure_ is spitting on him on purpose.

* * *

The bus stopping is a source of only the most fleeting relief, because while he can stretch his legs, he now has to try to not vomit at the smell of the questionably built farm that some idiotic teacher decided was a good idea for a field trip.

Then, out of the house adjacent to the barn steps a man in his thirties, wearing a dirt-free t-shirt and spick-and-span jeans, holding a handkerchief to his mouth, stumbling as if the smell is literally killing him.

The man shambles to the class, saying "Howdy kids (and teachers), to Billy-Jim's Primo Ranch! We got the finest goats, chickens, pigs..." The man quickly scrambles to grab a note from his pocket. After scanning it far too quickly to actually register what it said, he continues "The finest cows, steers, bovines, hi-fers, and who could _possibly_ forget, Horse you'll ever see!"

"..."

"Any questions?"

"..."

"Well don't all talk at once!" he jokes.

Once the class has decided that they've sandbagged him enough, Carol raises her hand and says "You don't seem very used to this."

Billy-Jim sighs and says "Not rightfully, no. I only got this land a couple weeks back when my Pa died and left me this here farm. And he told me, and this is God's truth, that if I let this place fall apart, he'd curse my line forwards _and_ back. So I've been keeping this place up the best it's _ever_ been!"

This statement is immediately put into question when they look around and see the holes in the barn roof and the rotten fences.

Then Rolly raises his hand, asking "Did you mean to just say 'Horse' instead of 'horses'?"

Billy-Jim Jr. takes another look at his note and says "Nope! It just says 'Horse" here!"

"Any other questions?" He looks around expectantly for a moment. "No? Well, come on! Let the tour begin!"

* * *

The first stop is the cow enclosure, which has neither heifers nor steers. Or a gate, for that matter. Just a huge wall of debris that is just sharp enough to dissuade the cows from coming close. The teacher says "Um... maybe we should reschedule?"

"Naw, there's no chance ol' Bessie's gonna get out."

"That's... not what I meant."

The class, except Bart for some reason, brightens at the idea that they can leave now, but the emergency bell in Thad's head rings; He has to do something, or else he'll be thrown back into two more hours of that _hell_ despite not even having escaped it for 10 whole minutes!

So he turns on what Bart would call "Extreme Nerd Mode"

"What? No, we can't go yet! We haven't seen the rest yet, and we all really, _really_ want to! Right, guys?" He turns to the class with a plastic smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. The class, still wary of him after his "outburst" a few days back, all nod in agreement. Bart shoots Thad a nasty glare, to which he responds with a mocking sneer before turning back to the tour.

* * *

 

Stop #2 is not-mentioned-in-the-note sheep pen. It's better than the last one (there's a door this time), but there are only two sheep in a space meant to hold at least 15.

On the way to the next spot, a small goat bounds up and starts prancing around the class in an attempt to play with them. Before they can, Billy-Jim Jr. shouts "Aw, consarnit, he got out again!"

He lunges at the animal, undershoots, and falls flat on his face as it runs out of sight.

"Welp, he won't go far." he says, walking towards the next enclosure.

* * *

The goat pen is empty.

* * *

Stop #4 is an immaculately built and upkept pig pen, with a series of county fair ribbons on a plaque next to it. Inside the pen are two of the biggest pigs they've ever seen; one almost as tall as Thad.

"Now, these here are my ol' Pa's prize winnin' hogs, Adonis and Atlas! They've got blue ribbon at every fair they've been at, and that's the truth!"

If the class actually cared, there'd be "Ooh"s and "Aah"s all around, but they don't so the only sound present is apathetic silence, hog snorts, and the distant bleating of a goat.

Bart however, isn't even looking up, instead looking his feet.

Thad finds himself vaguely worried, but decides to not do that, instead kicking dirt on his shoes at superspeed, too fast to be seen by the human eye.

Bart doesn't even try to retaliate.

* * *

Between enclosures, the teacher nervously asks "Hey, d-do you know where the horse is? Is it in the bar-"

Billy-Jim Jr. hurriedly says "Nope! Nothing in there, nosiree!" and powerwalks (poorly) further ahead.

Thad makes a note to run over there some other time. Not today, he's already too drained for that.

* * *

 

Stop #5 is an oddly silent, yet quite large, chicken coop.

Billy-Jim Jr. hits the wall of the coop and yells "Come on out, girls!"

There is no response.

He tries to assuage the class' worry by saying "Aw, they're probly just sleepin'." and moves on with the tour, Bart dragging his feet behind him

Thad grabs Bart's arm and pulls him back, tired of his moping, as the group moves on and demands "Alright, what could _possibly_ be the problem?"

Bart is momentarily taken aback before whisper-shouting "YOU! You butted your way into _my_ life and now I can't go 5 minutes without getting in a fight! I can't even call _my_ dog or even be _sad_ without you starting a fight!"

Thad opens his mouth to say something _very_ stupid that would probably cause a hospital visit for _both_ of them, but stops when he hears a tiny *peep*.

"Did... did you hear that?" Bart asks.

"Yes, I _do_ have ears, you know."

Bart hits him in the shoulder before they move to the closed-and-locked door of the coop, the muffled peeping only getting slower and slower.

Bart vibrates the lock open and yanks on the handle, causing the door to pop off it's hinges.

The smell unleashed from the coop quickly takes the #1 spot on Thad's "Worst Smells" ranking, and #4 on Bart's.

Both of them fall backwards like the smell was a 2-by-4 that just hit them upside their heads. Bart disappears for a moment and comes back wearing a military grade gasmask. He almost steps inside, but Thad's attempts to keep his breakfast down are starting to get annoying, so he runs off and grabs a second mask.

Thad composes himself and they step in.

They were prepared but not _ready_ for what they saw. They see about forty chickens, not a single one moving, some far smellier than the others. Bart has never felt more thankful that he can't see in the dark.

The boys search quickly and find, still huddled underneath it's mother, a baby chick that appears to be less than a week old, shaking very badly.

Bart feels a pit in his stomach form, followed by Thad, using a tone Bart didn't know he was capable of, simply say "Oh no."

Thad gently picks up the chick and heads outside. Bart walks up to him, staring at the chick. Then they lock eyes, and Bart nods, then runs off.

* * *

Max is having a fairly regular day for once.

That is, of course, until he hears a *whoosh* and peeping coming from the kitchen.

He walks over and sees a small cardboard box with wood shavings and a tiny baby chick inside.

Max stands over the box, trying to figure out what _possible_ turn of events led to this.

Then he gives out a little huff, and prepares to go to the co-op to get some supplies.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Billy-Jim Jr. is walking the group around in circles, trying to make a game out of catching the goat. Or, as they soon found out, goat _s_.

After about 15 minutes of that, Bart nudges Thad and says "Wanna break into the barn?"

Thad, eager to break _any_ of this man's possessions, goes along.

They sneak in without breaking much, even though they really want to, but that would make far too much noise.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me." Thad says as he sees the 15-foot tall statue that only _vaguely_ resembles a horse sitting in the middle of the barn. On the side the word "Horse" is etched into it. There is a piece of paper taped to the statue that reads "Winner of the 15th annual Birmingham Abstract Art Show"

"Well, I guess that explains where the "Horse" is, right?" Bart says with a sheepish grin.

Thad ignores that comment and raises his watch to his mouth and says "Craydl, run a search on Billy-Jim."

"You got it, boss-man." Craydl says, illiciting a deep sigh from the previously mentioned boss-man, who has specifically told him at least 5 times to not call him that.

After about 30 seconds that Bart spends watching people fail at goat catching, Craydl pipes back up with some info.

"Billy-Jim Sr. _did_ die about 3 weeks ago so that part checks out. _However_ , he didn't have any children, or family at all, for that matter. The man loved his hogs, though. Looks like whoever's out the is pulling some kinda grift. A bad one, too. Who does he think he's fooling with this? He can't even buy a door! And don't even get me started on-"

" _Craydl_. _Shut_. _**Up**_."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

Craydl cuts off his comms. It takes Thad a moment to realize he forgot to ask something very important. "Then who _is_ he?"

"Oh, I thought you wanted me to shut up?"

"Just... _do_ it."

Bart half-shouts "Nike!" from the other side of the barn. Thad chucks a clump of dirt at him.

"Facial scans say that guy is a conman who calls himself "Hick Slick", and he's got a rap sheet a mile long. Mostly larceny and grand theft."

Thad gets lost in thought trying to piece together what a conman would want with an old ranch.

"If it helps, that statue is valued at around $5000, the hogs around $1000 each."

"That'd probably be it." Bart chimes in. "So, when do we bust him?'

"Right n-"

Thad is cut off by the distant sound of a large engine.

They both go to the window nearest to the sound and look out to see an incoming dot on the plains. Bart squints and says "I... _think_ that's a monster truck."

Then they hear Hick yell "Oh God, he found me!" followed by him running in the opposite direction, forcefully pushing children out of his way.

They promptly suit up and go to check out the truck. Inertia takes a run around the truck and finds that the dealership's plates are still on it. In fact, the only thing that sets it apart from a car on the lot are the 8 mudflaps drilled into the rear bumper.

Inertia runs up to the driver's side door and looks up to see the familiar visage of a man wearing a now singed hockey mask, flannel shirt, and coveralls.

Then he runs full tilt into a wall of mud.

With Inertia momentarily stunned, Impulse takes his chance to yank to passenger door open only to find a bucket of mud in the seat. The mud jumps out and covers Impulse, immobilizing him. Attempts to vibrate out only make him feel more stuck. He panics and yells "Why can't I get out?!"

Craydl uses their earpieces to yell, almost loud enough to burst eardrums, "Its magic, baby!"

Then, much quieter, "Sorry, I was blasting some tunes."

* * *

Back at the ranch, the teachers are panicking while the class is getting super hype over the fight.

The hype almost dies down a bit when the truck almost runs them down. Thankfully, Inertia recovers fast enough to move them.

He runs over to the scrap pile that is the cow's gate and start throwing everything he can at the tires, but the mud is shielding it too well.

Then he tries throwing everything _including_ the kitchen sink at the car, but that too failed to distract to mudflap-loving crook from his single-minded pursuit of Hick.

Fresh out of immediate solutions and unwilling to _directly_ help him, Inertia runs over to help the other speedster.

By the time he gets over there, the only part of Impulse still visible is his hand. Inertia is _also_ unwilling to touch this mud, so he runs over to a nearby construction site and grabs some rebar, placing one end in Impulse's hand. When he gets a firm grasp on it, Inertia pulls _hard_ , freeing his by-technicality brother, who doesn't let go of the rebar.

When they catch up to the truck, it's chasing Hick through the (still empty) goat pen. Inertia jumps onto the back to draw the crook's attention, and once the mud shifts to the back, Impulse leaps onto the hood and drives the rebar through the hood and into the engine, yelling "End of the road, Mudflaps!"

The truck sputters to a stop as Impulse waves at his fans. Inertia glares at him while struggling against the mud.

Inertia growls "Hey there, " _Big Hero_ ", help me out of this."

Impulse yanks the rebar out of the hood, points it at the driver and says, in an overly confident tone, "Let'm go, "Mudflaps", or you're in for a world of hurt!"

"Mudflaps" complies, and the dirt slides off the truck as he silently shakes with pure rage.

Then the truck starts moving.

The speedsters are thrown off balance by the sudden movement just long enough for the villain to punch through the windshield and climb onto the hood. He grabs Impulse by the throat and, with a voice not unlike two stones being rubbed together, growls "Drop the "s", it'll roll off the tongue better."

Impulse opens his mouth to say "What?", but is promptly spiked off the edge of the truck and onto the ground like football. Inertia runs over and hits him on the chin and solar plexus 50 times each.

The just-over-7-foot-tall man doesn't even flinch. Instead, he takes a step backward and stomps on the edge of the hood, essentially turning it into a springboard and launching Inertia 30 feet into the air.

Impulse, from his new vantage point of "laying prone on the ground with a backache", sees that the only reason that truck is still moving is because the wheels are now being rotated by the mud. He's not sure if that's actually necessary. He hoists himself up and makes a mini-tornado underneath Inertia to soften the fall before chasing the truck.

Hick Slick runs into the barn, locking the door behind him so that no one can steal his hiding spot. Then the front wall is torn asunder by a massive glob of mud.

He starts rambling to buy time and hopefully dissuade the masked menace from grinding him to a pulp underneath his wheels.

"H-Hey, bud! I-I know I haven't sold that statue yet, even with _all_ that effort you put into stealin' it, but I swear to Christ above that I'll have your money by the end of the week!"

The truck slowly creeps forward. Hick decides that _maybe_ pleading won't help him, he switches tracks to bargaining.

"Now don't you forget that old man I put in the ground for ya! That's gotta be worth _some_ favor, right?"

The truck doesn't stop. In fact, the man standing on the engine block starts cracking his knuckles, so he reverts back to "Full Coward Mode".

"You can't kill me! I've gotta feed those hogs for ya! Hey! How 'bout this: You kidnap all them kids and ransom 'em or something!"

The truck slows by a fraction as a voice behind them says "You got all of that, Craydl?", to which a tinny voice replies "Clear as crystal!"

Then, quick as a flash, Hick Slick disappears.

A second voice comes from behind the back wall "This way, loser!"

That wall is almost instantly torn down.

Hick finds himself dropped in the cow pen alongside a few _particularly_ vengeful goats.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, the rest of the ranch turns into pandemonium as muddy tendrils snatch at anything that moves, stopped only by one of the speedsters trying to get everyone out of the way.

The green speedster makes a bad step into a mud puddle and is quickly pulled under. Mudflap yanks the rebar out from the engine, moves directly over the puddle, and stabs it in.

He surveys the area for the other one and sees him climbing into a large stack of hay bales. He reckons he's trying to escape the fate his comrade had and goes full throttle towards the bales.

The premeditated murder doesn't go as intended, as the truck collides with _something_ inside, nearly splitting the front end of the vehicle in two. Mudflap, having the unfortunate distinction of _being_ on that front end, goes flying.

He has enough time to look back at the wreck and sees, as the hay flies off, a surprisingly solid horse-adjacent statue.

Then he lands in the pigpen, with a sound that can only be described as a "Splut".

* * *

Impulse pumps a celebratory fist into the air, moments before a mud-covered hand grabs his ankle.

He tries to pull the hand out of the mud, but fails. So he crouches down to try and dig them out.

Then a much larger hand bursts out and grabs him by the throat.

The other hand melts away as Mudflap begins to rise from the filth.

However, he doesn't get past the shoulder as a metal rod crashes down on his head, whack-a-moleing him into the dirt.

Impulse looks up to see a somehow squeaky-clean Inertia, green portal closing behind him, at the ready to swing again.

Once they feel like he's done for now, Impulse looks behind him and says "Ah dangit, he took the pigs."

Inertia whips his head around and sees that, yes, the hogs are in fact gone.

They are distracted from that by a scream and a *whump* behind then as Hick Slick, clothes now in tatters, dives over the fence while the goats continue to lazily chew on his torn clothes.

The speedsters tie him to the stolen statue and ask the most pressing question they have:

"What the _hell_ made you think letting a field trip come here was a good idea?!"

Hick sighs and admits, embarrassed, "I got a call from the school right after I got back from the dentist so I was all loopy 'n stuff. Then I just kinda... well, forgot about it."

They hear distant sirens just as Inertia's earpiece buzzes.

Craydl says "You guys should get back to the class, the cops are almost there. Oh, I forgot to mention, I called the cops like, 15 minutes ago."

* * *

Once the police finish asking around (and after Bart quickly enters Craydl's complex for the fastest shower known to man), the class gets back on the bus.

The ride back is somehow louder than the ride there. Thad had expected something like this, and had grabbed some earplugs from Craydl.

He eventually turns around to yell "Stop fucking spitting on me", confident that no one but his target will hear. He cuts himself off when he sees Bart rubbing his temples, clearly suffering from a headache.

After a subjective minute and a half and consideration, Thad yanks out the plugs, shuffles his way through the crowded bus over to Bart, forces the plugs into his hand, then goes back to his seat.

He doesn't see the fleeting smile that crosses Bart's face, and proceeds to get one of the worst headaches of his young life.

But not before smacking that spit kid.

* * *

That afternoon, the boys return home to find a medium-sized plastic bin with a heat lamp attached to it in the middle of the living room, with a chick peeping happily inside. Neither of them expected this.

Bart calls out, to no one in particular, "Why are we keeping this?"

Max steps around the corner, removing a pair of oven mitts, and says "You two have been arguing for just about a month straight. It's way more annoying than I think you realize."

At this, Thad becomes sheepish, averting eye contact as Bart turns on some form of fake indigence that's usually reserved for when Max sasses him.

He continues, deadpan, "I figured that if you both had pets this war could finally end, and I could finally _rest_."

While Bart sasses back, Thad crouches down and carefully picks up the chick, musing "What _should_ I call you?" Then, a devilish smirk appears on his face, as he says "How about 'Bessie"?"

Bart stops dead in his tracks, horrified, and stutters out "Y-you _do_ that's a cow name, right? _Right_?"

Thad hums to himself and mutters, just loud enough for Bart to hear, "No, not that. How about _Sushi_?"

Bart is overcome with a wave of nausea as Thad, seeing him out of the corner of his eye, continues "I'll put that in the _maybe_ box. Ah, I've got one that might stick: Hanson... would you like that? I'll think of more, just in case"

Bart falls to to his knees under the crushing despair-filled realization that this will be his life for the foreseeable future.

* * *

At about 11:24 PM, Herbie Hawke wakes up with an intense hangover.

He groans and tries to roll over, but the whisky bottles prevent this.

He lays there for another 5 minutes until the silence is broken by his front door opening.

Footsteps ring throughout the house, the person making to attempt to hide their presence as they search the house for the owner. Finally, Herbie's door opens, the figure in the doorway blocking most of the light. Not enough light however, to stop the politician from cursing them out.

The person gasps and quickly turns off the light, then says, with a breathless voice not unlike that of a schoolgirl whose crush has just confessed to her, "I'm sorry, Mr. Hawke!"

Hawke opens a bleary eye to see the owner of the voice: His (quite large) butler/indentured servant, Aloysius Masterson.

Herbie rasps, voice _very_ hoarse for some reason, "Help me up, and keep it _down_ you buffoon."

" _Yes_ , Mr Hawke!" realizing the mistake, he covers his mouth with his hands and whispers "Yes, Mr Hawke."

Aloysius scurries over and does as he's told, pulling the weighty man to his feet.

In an attempt to make small talk, he says "Have ya seen what the papers have been saying 'bout you? I only got back in town a coupla' hours back, so I only saw today's."

Herbie sighs, wondering what garbage those _vultures_ made up this time.

He stops wandering when he sees the headline "LOCAL POLITICIAN GOES ON 6 HOUR LONG RANT THAT SOME CONSIDER TO BE A HATE CRIME"

He crumbles the paper up, damning his ability to hide any and all visual or audible indicators that he's drunk. He looks up at his butler, who is looking back expectantly. He grumbles "It's all lies! All of it! Don't you remember what I've taught you? Say it with me now..."

Aloysius grins and recites along, both of them enunciating each word, "Those crooks at the papers are a bunch of dumbasses who don't know nothin' 'bout nothin'."

Aloysius looks far too proud of himself for remembering this, saying "Awright Mr Hawke, you go make yerself all comfy and cozy 'cause I got ya some hog, fresh from the market!"

He then winces, and whispers "Whoops, too loud."

Herbie chuckles and muses  "Oh Aloysius, I don't know _what_ I'd do with out you."

This is, of course, forgetting the last few days are a prime example of what he'd do without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the post-Mercury Falling Impulse issues still happen in this AU. I'm not gonna take the time to rewrite them to add Inertia, though. (Unless there's something interesting to be done with it)
> 
> I promise there'll be more variation than mud and bad businesses later.


End file.
